Ok so if U have read my previous blog posts on February 14th and February 20th 2009
you know that I have been going through some very tough times because I have lost a very nice person as my friend. And if you have ever lost a friend you know how much it really hurts. Ive always said this about myself and that is that unfortunately I learn things the hard way !! The past few days ever since I lost Rachel as my friend Ive been going over this whole situation in my head over and over again to try to get some answers as to what happened and everyday little by little Im getting the answers mostly by remembering bits and pieces of conversations Ive had with Rachel. But I have to say that I still dont have all the answers yet. Ok here is the biggest part, I now realize that Josh and Rachel had something in common that I didnt have with either one of them. They both have a significant other and at the time they were both having some issues in that area which I willl not get in to detail here. Now I realize that Rachel didnt like Josh more than she liked me as a friend, she NEEDED him cause they could understand each other better and relate until Josh pulled that shit on her !!! I was so blind and could not C that until now !!! She did care about me as a friend and if it seemed like Rachel and Josh were closer it was just because they had more in common !!! I m such a fool !!! Both Jermey and Rachel tried to tell me that a billion times and as Jeremy put it many times Im so thick headed that I just didnt get it !!! :( wow I had a great friendship right infront of my eyes and I could NOT C it !!! :( I guess as Jeremy put it I had become paranoid and for some reason thought that Rachel didnt really care about me as a friend !!!. This paranoia ofcourse lead to the arguments that we had. I started over analyzing things and getting very picky and even over sensative to everything Rachel did or said to me. In one of the talks I was having with Rachel I asked her if losing me as a friend would hurt her as much as losing Josh as her friend did and she said something along the lines of It would hurt me even more !!!. To think that I have hurt a very sweet person like Rachel its been eating me up the past few days :(

The last straw as Rachel put it was when I made a few tweets on twitter that sounded like I was suicidal !!. I was NOT Suicidal, I was just extremely sad, frustrated and depressed with my life !!! But all that does not excuse the way I chose to word those tweets and make everyone worry about me, for that I appologize to everyone !! Now U may say "So What? Big Deal !!! Its the Internet man just forget about it !!!". Well let me tell U why you R wrong if thats what U think. First of all Im a very emotional guy so I can not let this just go and second of all Rachel is one of the sweetest people Ive ever met and I have hurt her and she doesnt deserve any of that !!!

Regarding my very first blog entry (mentioned above) about this whole situation I appologize if the tone of the blog came across as me putting Rachel down or being offensive towards her. That was not the point of that entry at all !! All I was trying to do was tell my side of the story as I saw it back then, Just a narrative blog thats all. I have always said two things about Rachel and I will say them again She is a very sweet and caring person and she is a great designer !!! Her website is www.rachelfinley.com and I am a huge fan of her work, always will be no matter what !! Infact Rachel has a blog coming out soon and she promissed me to let me know first as soon as her blog is ready even if we R not on talking terms at the time !! I really hope she delivers on that promise !!

I wrote this entry to appologize my heart out to you Rachel for anything I have done or said or written that has hurt you in any way :( I hope that one day you can forgive me and for us to become friends again :(